Raw diet of disappointment and disillusionment

June 22, 2014

I can feel my brain, decaying. My memory fading away as the days grow longer and I become less and less, involved. Static, stagnant, fading away as my usual relentless enthusiasm and drive continues to waiver. I fear, that i'll not be myself soon enough. I fear that the fire will go out completely, and that what is left- won't be enough. I don't fear loneliness, not even death- but the pinging sadness that these walls are all that will witness my journey and struggle- and that it all has been for nothing.I fear myself. And what i'm capable of. I fear imbalance, and the way my brain changes daily. The way i wake up, knowing my limitations, sensing my ability to speak, or interact or even love just completely shattered. Feeling powerless, and at the same time, so completely capable and willing- another time-another place, i tell myself. Tomorrow will be a better day.Whilst i'm scared, full of regret and confused as to why- I've been self destructing. In the most meaningless and childish ways. Imploding, isolating and retreating back into this cage of emotionless, dread.I can't tell you why, or even how it creeps up on me. But it's like a situation will just peel away, the walls will fall and i'll see myself. I'll see where I am and i'll hate it. This realisation of distance between myself and the people around me. Cold, emotionless relationships driving me to madness. I don't feel the heat, don't feel much of anything anymore.

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